"Journal" Entry: Being Mom.

I realize I talk about how much I love being a Mom, quite often. Excerpts here and there describing my gratitude and the joys of my newfound job. But never have I felt this passion so strongly in my life. I love every aspect of Motherhood. It is why I am here. It is what I am placed on this earth for. Seconds after being placed in my arms, 22 years of searching for my personal life mission, was completed. I think that's what is so amazing to me. I spent years on my knees asking God what He wanted for me. Years of prayers and different paths taken, all in search of something that I actually thought was pretty stereotypical for a Mormon girl to want. I wanted something more. To do something bigger. God knew better. He knew this would be the biggest thing I could ever do.

No college degree, or world travels, or even alone time with my Husband could EVER replace this. I cringe at the thought of the different outcome that may have taken place over the postponement of my children.

The Fruit.

I don't know where to start.

My heart aches.

It aches for quite a few reasons as of late...

It aches for our nation and the division that is speedily being created.

It aches for America the Covenant land.

For Family units that are deteriorating.

For marriage taken so casually.

For friends and neighbors who have turned on one another.

For lives that have been lost at the hand of evil.

It aches for those who have not experienced the light of the Gospel in their lives, yet.

But mostly, my heart is aching for those that have willfully turned their back on their Savior Jesus Christ.

My sensitivity gets the best of me and I seem too often to place the weight of the world directly on my shoulders.

This week I've written and re-written, and then later erased, so many different things I thought my soul needed to convey on here. But not one of them felt completely right.

So I have just watched the chaos around me unravel continuously, and have waited until I knew how to properly express what I've been feeling.

Quite often it takes a few days to pinpoint specific feelings being felt, and then once recognized, my spirits usually lift and I can move forward. This time, it has taken a couple of weeks.

Anguish along with an incredible depth of gratitude are two feelings I thought near impossible to experience simultaneously. But in feeling such, my mind has recently wandered to the story where we read about Father Lehi's vision.

Immediately after experiencing the joy produced from the fruit of the Tree of Life, Lehi looked around for his family members to join and partake of the goodness, as well. Having most of Lehi's family follow in partaking, the remaining Laman and Lemuel refused to join.

I wonder at that moment how much grief was felt, knowing his two Eldest sons were never going to know the joy and the light that the rest of the family were able to feel.

While Laman and Lemuel grew stagnant, maybe even regressed, all in the dark loneliness of each others bitter company, missing out on light, knowledge, and the eternal blessings that come from obedience, I think of the probable gratitude Lehi was feeling at the same time. Having a good portion of his family experience the fruit and the unified progression that was felt.

But what a hollow sense of enjoyment for a family to participate together in eternal blessings, while having their loved ones withhold themselves from those same blessings.

This scripture story hit home. For multiple reasons and pertaining to different life situations, but it hit hard. I am able to identify with Father Lehi and the coinciding feelings in the verses.

One tends to focus on what is missing rather than what is in front of you. My little family unit is headed for the fruit, I may not have every single person my heart desires walking alongside, but I have my own. Just as Father Lehi didn't stop and wait for everyone to catch up, I cannot either. And that is one of the hardest lessons I'm learning.

While I may feel a sense of grief over those withholding, I feel a depth of gratitude, beyond any description, over the family I do have. The light and knowledge given through progression is beautiful and I'm grateful for the decisions I personally have made in order to be a part of it. I'm able to walk alongside my companion with our babies in tow, toward the fruit and the blessings that lie ahead.

Obedience to the Gospel of Jesus Christ is a safety net, and I am grateful for that safety I feel everyday.

The Plan of Salvation reminds me that I am not alone in my endeavors.

The Prophet is placed on this earth, called of God, and through his voice I can hear Gods voice of instruction.

Through the Covenants made in the Temple I will be able to see my brothers and sisters in the next life.

All these simple truths have brought immeasurable comfort throughout the worldly chaos. I cannot thank my Heavenly Father enough for allowing me everyday to fully participate in the power of the Atonement, made possible by our Savior.

We will never be able to assist those that are lost and confused, unless we ourselves are rooted in the simple truths of the Gospel.

We cannot stop. We cannot wait. We must keep going with the ones we do have walking alongside us, and pray we will find each other at the end.

I'm grateful for the shift of focus Father Lehi and his story has brought to me personally, and the much needed peace that comes in following Jesus Christ.

Here we go!! (coming March 2017)

Even if a baby is expected, it's still a pretty big shock. You're in it for the long haul, no matter what comes your way.

Well, we found out June 25th 2016, that second baby Cochran is on it's way, and it's no less of a shock than the first time around!

Mark taught Elders Quorum yesterday and the topic was Faith. I'm certain The Lords hand was in constructing that, because this week more than ever, we needed the reminder.

While dating, Mark and I talked about how we both wanted a big family. I remember asking him for the first time, how many kids he wanted and his answer was however many God wanted him to have. His answer matched mine and I knew, right then and there, that I would be marrying this Man.

I've always had some very strong opinions on birth control and any kind of contraceptive. So instead of relying on man-made prevention we decided to put our trust in God, His timing and His plan for us and our family.

One of the blessings from this belief, aside from not running into fertility complications due to birth control, is our increased Faith. Expecting a second child and knowing that it's His will for us to raise two choice spirits so close in age, is an honor.

It has taken a lot of Faith this week because a second child does not seem logical. We already have a 4 month old and our financial situation is not the greatest. The thought is completely overwhelming and I've been more worried about what certain friends and family are going to say that it overshadowed my excitement.

After our Sabbath Day yesterday, I'm able recognize that those thoughts are of Lucifer and my Faith has been renewed, refreshed, and I am reminded of the eternal perspective of families.

We don't have much time until Jesus Christ comes again, I don't have time to "space" my children according to the worlds timeline, or wait until we're financially set. I need to get every member of my family here on this side, no matter how fast or how insane we seem to the outside world. Our Cochran family has an important work to do and I'm excited.

Just my thoughts...so...

Heeeere weeee goooo!!

(Coming March 2017)

http://www.josephsmithforum.org/research/faqs/01-birth-control-what-is-the-first-commandment-ever-given-by-the-lord-to-man-how-does-the-lord-feel-about-birth-control-should-couples-postpone-having-children/

Tender Mercies.

Yesterday was, well... H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS. But I RE-learned an important lesson.

Over the past 2 weeks, Mark and I have been applying for jobs. I've been looking for something very part-time I could do in the mornings while Alivia is asleep and before Mark goes to work, or some kind of night shift. This month marks one year since I gave up my AWESOME paying job due to being horribly sick from pregnancy. Ever since then, every time I would go to apply for a tiny, part-time job, I'd get a sick unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. This time around I didn't get that sick feeling... 

I got a call yesterday morning asking if I would like to interview for a custodial job for Utah State University. The pay is average and the hours were PERFECT- 4 am to 8 am. The extra cash that would come in from it is so incredibly needed. 

Then my day happened. Alivia Helen Cochran, that exceptional, little baby girl... ever since she was born I've felt like she skipped the newborn phase. Actually, I feel like she skipped the little girl phase, altogether, and moved right into adulthood. Minus, the poopy diapers, immobile...ness, and well, the fact that she can't talk, but hey, this girl does not have to talk in order to teach me a valuable lesson, it's in those bright blue eyes.

She knows quite well when we're stressed or change is in the air. I think all babies are quite sensitive to things along that line. They listen, sense, and, feel, better than any of us do. 

We needed this job opportunity that was just presented to me, but looking back on my day, I know she could sense that I was planning on leaving her in the mornings. I just know it.

Al is not one to cry and cry and cry, there's usually one reason she's crying hard and it's because she is very hungry. Even after being well fed, there was not one minute of my day that I was able to put her down without blood curdling screams. I had to take her to the bathroom with me at one point (yes, being a Mom really is a 24/7 gig), she was in such a state of hysteria. She was unusually clingy and if I wasn't in her line of vision, she'd scream. There was no nap, no playtime, no smiles. I finally had to take her for a walk in her beloved stroller. I was out an hour and half walking, aimlessly pushing her so she could fall asleep and get a cat nap in. Walking around a Cemetery is only interesting for so long in a day, there's not much life to the scenery inside those gates. But anything for a nap!!

I told Mark about my job opportunity and he said we'll chat more when he got home from work. He asked if I would look and apply for some part-time jobs in his behalf. I sent off his resume to a few places and then moved on with my day.

Our night was similar to the day and bedtime was a struggle for my overtired, puffy eyed, baby girl.

There was no way I could leave her. Even for a few hours in the mornings while she was sleeping, and I'm convinced she knew that, too. Silly as it may seem to everyone on the outside, I knew in her adult-baby ways, what she was telling me.

"Brothers and sisters, do without if you need to, but don’t do without mother. Mother is more important in the home than money or the things money can buy. Our Father in heaven wants you to be in your home to guide these spirits as no one else can, in spite of material sacrifices that may result. He created you to learn to be a good mother—an eternal mother. It is your first and foremost calling. No baby-sitter, no grandmother, no neighbor, no friend, no Relief Society sister, older brother or sister, or even a loving dad can take your place."  -H. Burke Peterson

This quote from my ABSOLUTE favorite General Conference talk, replayed in my head all day yesterday, and I don't know why I didn't pay it any attention.

When Mark came home from work we both decided to go ahead and cancel the interview I set up, and that we would manage without the extra cash it would produce. He then proceeded to tell me about some up coming lead positions that are opening up at work and how he has some strong connections through his current boss, so there's a very good chance he would get it. Lead positions mean a couple dollar raise!


Mark also received an e-mail back from and employer that I had sent a resume out to earlier that day, setting up a time to meet. The job would be a Farmhand/Handyman, extremely flexible part-time hours, and did I mention it's on a farm? Anyone who knows my Husband knows how passionate he is over that kind of work. He's majoring in Agribusiness, after all. Tonight, he meets with the man and I'm praying he gets this awesome opportunity.

Heavenly Father knows. He also knows when WE know better, but gives us the liberty to exercise our agency. Yesterday I was able to RE-learn a valuable lesson that I obviously needed a refresher-course in. When you're reading your scriptures, saying your prayers, and doing your part daily, He will not leave you hanging. He knows your needs, and I say that with absolute confidence because Alivia has been napping for the last 3 hours, and that's exactly what we both needed today.

P.s- READ THIS TALK. You won't regret it.


https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1974/04/mother-catch-the-vision-of-your-call?lang=eng

Motherhood is power: Birth story.

5 days late and at 3:00 am in the morning, I woke up to a dull, tidal wave of pain. Wondering if the feeling was nothing less than normal pregnancy aches and pains. I tried falling back asleep, but to no avail. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom, and then, pacing back and forth throughout my tiny home, tried to shake the pain off. Climbing back into bed, and waking Mark up while doing so he asked if I was OK. I told him I was hurting, but I'll be just fine. 

I laid in bed battling contractions until 6:00 am where at that point they put me a little bit closer to the edge and I knew I would be having this baby girl today. I intentionally woke Mark up this time, and told him he better skip his class he had that morning because I think it's happening, I proceeded to call my friend Stacey in whom we chose to be our Doula, a birth coach and superwoman all in one, letting her know I was having what I thought, at the time, were strong contractions. Also calling the birth center and giving the Midwives there a heads up on what was happening.

 I knew I wanted a natural, unmedicated birth experience, right from the very beginning but I was extremely nervous about labor. I read everything I possibly could on the subject and still was very anxious for the unknown. I also knew the idea was to labor at home for as much as possible which was both scary and beautiful.

 I was entirely grateful when Stacey came over soon after I called her, early that morning. In hoping for a distraction I had turned on a movie, and Mark went back to sleep knowing he was going to need every ounce of energy for the events that lay ahead. Stacey and I sat on the couch half watching the movie, half talking about what was to come. We decided to go walk through Walmart and find some breakfast with the intention of helping me progress in my labor. We walked around Walmart up until my contractions went up a few notches. Stacey drove us both back to my house where Mark was now awake. 

 I distinctly remember it being around 11:00 am when my pain started getting a little more intense. My "strong contractions" earlier that morning were nothing compared to these, and little did I know these were nothing compared to what was in my near future. 

 I was back to pacing my little home and using a table here and there to lean over, for when I needed support. Stacey suggested we walk to the park, which was a few houses up from mine but a good lengths walk when you're 40 some odd weeks pregnant. We walked to the park and I did little lunges against the curbing around the playground. It was a pretty chilly day and the cold, crisp air only felt good for so long, so we made our way back. Home once more, taking a hot shower was the only thing on my mind, and boy did the hot water relieve most of the pressure I was feeling in my hips and back.  

Coincidentally, I had my weekly checkup at the birth center scheduled for this same afternoon. So, after running the hot water- cold we started preparing to leave, gathering up my "hospital" bag, some snacks, and of course, the newborn outfit I had excitedly picked out for our baby girl to wear home. 

Mark is my silent rock. In high intensity situations he's as cool as a cucumber. I discovered this while visiting the ER numerous times during that 9 months. It really is quite the blessing considering he actually has a high anxiety personality. He doesn't say much in these situations but he's there by my side and that fits my own personality, perfectly. 

 We arrived at the birth center for what was supposed to be my weekly routine checkup, they checked me and I had dilated to a number 7, all on my own! With me being so far they had me stay. I was done laboring at home and could labor there with my Midwives and the giant bathtub which was in the room. I was rather relieved feeling, it felt good to be able to move on to the next part of this birth experience. I felt I could check phase one- laboring at home, off my list. I immediately requested to be put in the bath. 

 I labored in the water for quite a while with, what I felt, was little to no progress. It was around the 3rd hour where my water decided to break helping boost my confidence right back up. Another hour went by, and nothing. I remember praying the whole time, frustrated. I almost yelled to God out loud quite a few times. I wanted this stubborn little baby girl in my arms so bad, I couldn't understand why she was taking her time. What was it that she had to do up there that was more important than meeting her Mama?

 I've always had a high tolerance for pain. When I hurt, I withdraw. I don't complain much, I simply go to a place inside my head and switch to survival mode. Contraction pain was no different, shutting everyone in the room out and only letting Mark in was the technique I chose to go with, and it was beautiful. Until that day, I did not know what my body was fully capable of and how much I relied on my Husband. 

 As I was praying and pleading to Heavenly Father, I had the quiet impression to get out of the bathtub and move to the bed. Nooooooo, I did not want to move, whatsoever. The hot water felt good and relieved a lot of the pain, and moving also meant I'd have to stand up. Ouch. Relocating to the bed, I laid on my side with Mark, as he lay there facing me. I will never forget this moment. Mark held both of my hands as we laid there together, my labor pains so much more intense outside the safety of the water, allowing me to squeeze his hands every time I felt the tidal wave of extreme misery. We laid there together in that dimly lit room for about 45 minutes, silent, sometimes staring into each others eyes, and going in and out of sleep. 

After some time, one of the Midwives came in suggesting that I go to the restroom. With help, I made my way over there and oh, my! The toilet seat itself provided my body the best position I had been in all night. The relief on my back and hips was so amazing, I sat there for a good 25 minutes. The last 5 minutes I had a new sort of rush surge through me. Like my whole entire body was working on it's own, almost against my will, it was the feeling of pushing. It had finally arrived and I was still on the toilet. Baby girls head was in sight. My one Midwife came in and told me that I really did not want to have this baby on the toilet. Actually, I did, thank you. Moving to a birth stool was almost as great as the toilet seat. Because, admittedly, I did not want my baby born in the toilet bowl. 

 Things moved fast. Mark was sitting behind me so I could lean on him for support. The push feeling was overtaking my body, which was the most amazing warrior-like feeling, yet at the same time I hated it because it was something I couldn't control. They call the crowning of the babies head 'The ring of fire' for a very good, and self-explanatory reason. It makes me cringe just thinking about it. One half hour of pushing our tiny human being out, and she was in my arms. Mark was crying and I was laughing. 

 Nine whole months of severe nausea, dehydration, vomiting, aches, pains, weight gain, insomnia, IV's galore, expensive medications, swelling, animalistic hunger, cravings, and emotional breakdowns, and not to mention the whole labor itself that ended 5 seconds ago, was forgotten. 

February 11th 2016 at 9:01 pm, I held my 8 lb, 5 oz, 22 inch, perfect baby girl, in my arms. We named her Alivia Helen after myself and also my great-grandmother. We decided to spell Alivia a little different to incorporate the A I have in my name. Oh, how I had worked so hard for her!

 All of my life I wanted to be a Mom. That's all. I couldn't give a hoot about college, or a career, I wanted to be a Wife and a Mom. I was the absolute luckiest when I met Mark, and his goals in life matched mine wanting kids immediately. You don't meet very many people like that these days, and I have been so grateful for him. 

 We were a family. Sitting on that bed in the birth room, all three of us, it was absolute heaven on earth. An indescribable feeling. 

 That day was perfect. I grew up. I experienced instantaneous love that has grown deeper with each passing day. I have tasted, which I'm sure is only a small amount, of the love Heavenly Father has for me and the sorrow he feels when I'm hurt or sad. Experiencing birth has brought me closer to God in so many different ways. Even though I was new to labor and had no idea what I was doing my body knew exactly what to do. I let God and my spirit take over. I was proud of myself, I was proud of my body, and I was proud of being a woman and the divine role that comes with being one. 

 Motherhood is power.